My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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