he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
