I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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