I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
All the doctor said was why
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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