so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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