whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
