I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
