I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
