I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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