guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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