how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
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On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
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Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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