I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
