I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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