Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
