oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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