A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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