Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
