She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
