heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
