OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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