If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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