As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
