How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
wanna go halves on a baby?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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