I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
