did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
