she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
