A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
my being single is dangerous.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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