but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
