? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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