happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
