I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
