I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
