I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
