Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
