All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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