Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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