Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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