Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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