my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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