If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
