you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
