I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
