I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
