Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
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literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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