My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
