I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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