Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
