Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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