so explain again why im purple
no
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
