As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
