i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
