I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
