$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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