Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I intend to get homeless drunk
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
