seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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